6 months

I don't like being pregnant.

I'm happy I'm pregnant.

Nina is growing, I can feel her so strong and active. Yesterday, she was moving less and I worried. But today I feel the kicks much higher on my belly and not in the lower part of my uterus, she probably changed position, that's why maybe.

I always knew that being pregnant was going to be hard for me. It's hard to see my body change, it's hard to not feel energetic, to reduce the intensity of my training, hard to take less risks and change my lifestyle. Things are going pretty well for the moment, I'm lucky to have a healthy pregnancy so far, and to be able to train as much as I want/can. I can still bike, run, climb, ski, weightlift and practice yoga. I also did a flight at 4 months pregnant. No big complaints.

1st month

Is this true? Is this really going to happen? Are we going to be a family of 3?

We just did a test and it seems very positive. One try and we already conceived? What?

How do we confirm the home test? 

Are you OK? Are you going to stay with us?

2nd month

What is going on with my body? I can't eat, move or stay awake.

Am I still myself? Is this going to last forever? 

You seem to be OK, we heard your hearbeat. You are there.

Are you going to stay with us?

3rd month

Your chromosomes look healthy. I am not healthy, I'm sick every day.

I'm hating the pregnancy. I can barely get out of bed.

Where is my energy gone? Am I going to survive?

Thanks god Jérémie is with me.

4th month

I don't throw up anymore. I start to feel a human being again.

There is an extra volume on my belly that I can't hide.

We are going to have a baby. What?

Is this really happening? This is happening.

5th month

Your body formed correctly. We saw your face. 

You are here Nina, you are going to stay with us. 

We will take care of you, no matter what.

We dream together.

Anatomy scan ultrasound

6th month

You grow, you communicate, you are impatient.

We are impatient. You start to have your own space, in our hearts, in our families, in our home.

My body is our body. Your movements are our joy.

We want to meet you.

We don't know exactly what nationality you will have, what language you will speak, where we will live, how you will connect with relatives here and there or how many worlds you will have. But we do know we will be a family of 3, solid, strong and bonded, a family that nothing and no one can break, a normal family that will live an extraordinary life on this planet.

I don't like the pregnancy.

I'm happy that I'm pregnant with you.

Trying to find a second-hand crib

My first grant proposal DNF

For 2 years I've been planning to apply for the European Research Council (ERC) Starting Grant, a grant you can only apply for within 7 years after your PhD. If you get this grant, you start your lab, you are famous, you buy whatever reagent you need for your experimens, you touch the sky basically. The success rate is around 10%, which means that 1 in 10 can get it or that you have to apply 10 times to get it (which of course is not possible). The success rate is low, but given the amount of money involved (1.5 million of euros for 5 years), you play the game.

This year, applicants working in the US receive half million more. I am in the US and I could benefit from that. I joined a good lab, have an article in the works and another soon-to-be-published from my work in Italy, not bad. This year, the main part of the proposal was reduced from 14 to 7 pages. I already created a figure to illustrate the projects and techniques I would use in my lab. Everything looked promising. But I DNF. 

The reasons I DNF:

I couldn't make it.

The reasons I couldn't make it:

Well, you can always find reasons to explain why you haven't done something. 

DNF means "Did Not Finish" in ultra running races.

by semi-rad

I build my life around challenges, professional, athletic, personal ones. I love trying to be the best, my best. I love pushing and I perform well under pressure. I also know I can collapse when the demands are excessively high, when clearly I, or someone else, set unrealistic goals for me. This time I Did Not Finish. The situation was so overwhelming that it exceeded my control. Every day I woke up thinking "today is the day, today I write the project". Family visit, bathroom renovation, visa renewal... Every single day, it seemed that I had a new fire to extinguish. I feel very very exhausted and I feel a deep depression with anxiety crises that peak every 3-4 days. Add frustration and dissociation from my body and you get an explosive cocktail.

On Saturday, one month and a half before the ERC-StG deadline, I officially declared DNF. It was rather the ERC-StG that DNF me actually. Fortunately, my mother said: "Juli, no hagas lo que no querés hacer". And I realized that I do want to apply for the ERC StG but that I was actually already months and months behind. It was during a run that I had the vision. I was on my favourite route from home around Sanitas, which has a beautiful single downhill track in the forest. I was running and I accepted that the time was gone, that I DNF for the first time a grant application.

View from Sanitas summit

I have to say that I don't feel proud of me. But at least I can leave this frustrating place and move forward with a new plan.